I SWEAR THIS IS THE LAST TIME I'LL GO BOATING WITH ODYSSEUS
Parody of Gilbert & Sullivan's "The Major-General's Song"
Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion

[Eurylochus]
I swear this is the last time I'll go boating with Odysseus
Titanic? Minnow? Edmund F.? His ship's by far the riskiest
He said Let's get some Trojans! so I left without apology
But now I find my sorry butt ensnared in Greek mythology

So here's the tale I'm tellin', Jack (You may conclude I'm sellin' crack):
We had to tramp to Hell 'n' back to drag a tramp named Helen back
But since we started sailin' back, the gods have been their pissiest...
The one thing worse than politics is boating with Odysseus!

[Gods]
IN CASE YOU THINK WE'RE HERE TO ECHO LINES ABOUT ODYSSEUS
WE'RE NOT! FOR REPETITION, GO TRY ROLLING STONES WITH SISYPHUS
REPEAT, WE'RE NOT JUST HERE TO, WE REPEAT, BE REPETITI-TITIOUS

[Eurylochus]
He plays the very model of a modern Major-General
But only after lotuses, ambrosia, wine, and Demerol
I tried to join the Lotus-Eaters; dude, their bud's delici-ous
But guess who dragged me back on board? That S.O.B. Odysseus

[Gods]
BELIEVE US HERE: THE LOTUS WITH AMBROSIA MAKES YOU FRISKIEST
TOO BAD THIS IS THE LAST TIME HE'LL GO BOATING WITH ODYSSEUS

[Eurylochus]
We dined with Polyphemus on the island of the Cyclopes
He ate our friends, then coughed 'em up and asked us if we'd like a piece
In proper conversation that's just not a thing you joke about
And so you know the monster's single eye? We had to poke it out

Poseidon went ballistic so we crashed with the Aeolians
The stupid windbags blew us like Katrina did New Orle-ans
But better blown than eaten(!) by the nasty Laestrygonians...
They fricasseed our comrades, both the fatties and the bony ones!

[Gods]
WE'RE GLAD TO NOT REPEAT THAT RHYME; WE DOUBT WE'VE SEEN ONE STUPIDER
WE MUST REPORT IT TO THE MIGHTY ZEUS, A.K.A. JUPITER
HOLD ON A SEC - THAT RHYME WE MADE RIGHT THERE IS EVEN STUPI-DUPIDER

[Eurylochus]
Next stop, we played Submissives to the goddess Circe's Dominant
Her island's A-e-a-e-a (Pat, may I buy a consonant?)
She said that men are pigs; I said Yo Sweetcheeks that's ridiculous
(***POOF!***)
I oink this is the oink time I'll go oinking with Oinkdysseus

[Gods]
OF ALL THE WITCHES IN THE STORY, CIRCE IS THE WITCHIEST
AND CAN YOU TELL WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF WORDS THAT RHYME "ODYSSEUS"?

[Eurylochus]
We detoured to the underworld of Hades and Persephone
It's weird as Hell; if I return, it's sure to be the death of me
The sight of dead guys drinking blood's enough to make a fella pee
But Odie only left 'cause dudes are hitting on Penelope

We stuffed our ears with Skippy so we wouldn't hear the Sirens sing
(I use the same procedure when my children watch The Lion King)
We skirted Scylla and Charybdis; Homer tells it wittily...
To summarize: I'd recommend a plane from Greece to Italy!

[Gods]
WE INTERVENE TO SAY HERE (WITH OUR STANDARD LACK OF MODESTY):
THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE SKIES ARE STRICTLY GOD-AND-GODDESSY
THE BOTTOM LINE: THERE AIN'T NO FREAKING AIRPLANES IN THE ODYSS-ODYSSEY

[McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges)]
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit eating lotuses...

[Eurylochus]
(Ahem...)
We ate the Sun God's cattle, so he freaked and now we're lost at sea
I tell you, folks, the Odyssey's as fun as a colostomy
So Odie's with Calypso now? I hope the nymph has syphilis!
I swear this is the last time I'll go boating with Odysseus!

[Gods]
YOU SWEAR TO US YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH? YOU MORTALS ARE THE SISSIEST!
OKAY, THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL GO BOATING WITH ODYSSEUS!

[Gods]
DANG. MISSED.

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