Hey, Taylor Swift
It's Romeo here
I guess it's cute
That you wrote about
Me in your song
But you got the freaking story wrong

First off, babe
If you've ever read Shakespeare
I assume you would
Have to know
This little tale
Ain't gonna end well

But you're the patron saint of the prepubescents
Who all want to be Romeo and Juliet
So I'm just guessing that there might be
Plot points that they don't know

And since I'm
Romeo, I've learned
Just how awful kids can be
That's why Shakespeare
Titled this a tragedy
You be the dumb blonde
I'll be your fall guy
This is no rom-com
Baby, we all die

"But soft what light's
Breaking through yonder window?
It's the east
And my fair Juliet
Must be the sun."
And now the one happy scene is done

'Cause I'm your Romeo
You were the Scarlet Letter
Renting Uncle Tom's Cabin, he's a Moby Dick
But you're my Catcher in the Rye,
Heart of Darkness, and
Fox in Socks!

And I said
Taylor Swift, I know
Just how stupid kids can be
That's why Shakespeare
Titled this a tragedy
You're just a pale stick
I'm just your fall guy
This is no chick flick
Baby, we all die

Yo, Taylor, I'm real happy for you and Imma let you finish, but Dire Straits had one of the best Romeo and Juliet songs of all time. Of all time!

Sorry about that.

Your song gets tween girls sighing
Two young lovers running from an unfeeling town
The truth is horrifying
Let me recap how the bloodbath goes down:

OK, so
I kill off Tybalt
'Cause Tybalt kills Mercutio
Juliet takes
Roofies and goes comatose
I run to her grave
Where I whack Paris too
My mom dies of grief and
Still we're not through

Because
I decide Juliet
Is headed six feet underground
So I kill myself
Just as she's coming round
So then Juliet jams
A knife into her chest
There's your "Love Story"!
Baby, we're all effed

© 2011+ Spaff, LLC