If you haven't read this true story, you must.

Parody of John Cougar Mellencamp's "Hurts So Good"

M. Spaff Sumsion: Concept and lyrics
Robert Lund: All vocals, music, and production

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    When I was a young boy
    I got my kicks from Sesame Street
    Now that I'm gettin' older so much older
    I've learned the place ain't so sweet
    Elmo's hooked on glue
    Bob's in rehab too
    Lord knows just what Grover went through, baby
    To turn him blue

    But here's the worst of all:

    Bert's no good
    Even Ernie says that Bert's no good
    Sometimes Oscar's misunderstood
    But baby
    Bert's no good

    He don't practice safe sex or religion
    He hides explosives in that unibrow of his, yeah
    I caught him once Doin' the Pigeon
    All snockered up on Figgy Fizz
    I saw in plain view
    His Charlie Sheen tattoo
    He's on the Muppet News Flash news, baby
    Assaulting Winnie the Pooh

    He's quite the yellow one

    Bert's no good
    Even monsters say that BERT. NO. GOOD.
    Sometimes Snuffy bitch-slaps Big Bird
    But baby
    Bert's no good

    That's not oatmeal he's brewing
    And don't you dare leave crumbs in bed
    And don't ask what he's doing
    Upstairs with those bottle caps all day long
    Bottle caps all day long

    Bert's no good
    Even Yoda says that
    No good, Bert is

    Sometimes rhymes don't work like they should
    The point is
    Bert's no good

    Bert's no good
    Everybody knows that Bert's no good
    Sometimes Kermit shoots up in da hood
    But baby
    Bert's no good

    © 2005, 2011+ Spaff, LLC