When your life's become a joke
Is there room for one more smoke?
One more smoke
If you can roll one
If you can roll one
Roll one

I want a fat one
I want it bad, son
You know you grow, oh you grow, you ho
I wanna suck smoke
Through my frontal lobe
I'll inhale anything that comes near my vacuum nose

Another cee-gar
Or even re-bar
There's so much out there for fans of tar
My one affliction
Is my lungs both glow
Here's my admission: my addiction blow blow blow blows

Help me quit
Yeah, you know you gotta help me quit
Yeah, or else I'll smack you down like Ike Tur-ner-r-r
You know you gotta help me quit
Yeah

And when your life's all lame 'n' stuff
Is there room for one more puff?
"No Smoking" signs bother me
With second-hand smoke, you smoke for free

Yeah, you know you gotta help me quit
Yeah, or else I'll rope you like a goat-her-der-r-r
You know you gotta help me quit
Yeah, they call me King of Smoke Town
Yeah, for all the things I've sucked down
Yeah, I oughtta write this stuff down...

I got cloves but I smoked a clover
I got bowls but I smoked a bowler
I got goals but I smoked a gopher
I got Stroh's but I smoked a stroller
I got hos but I smoked a hoser
I got foes but I smoked some Folgers
I got shows but I smoked my chauffeur
I got toes but I smoked October
I GOT BROS BUT I SMOKED THEIR BROKER
I GOT ROPE BUT I SMOKED AL ROKERRRRRRR

Yeah, you know you got to help me quit
Yeah, before I talk and shake like Kate Hep-bur-r-rn
Or else I cough my larynx out
Yeah, or else my liver shuts down
Yeah, or else I start to freak out
Yeah, I'd like to roll and smoke the Hambur-glar-r-r
So tell him not to come 'round
Yeah, or else I'll smoke his ass down

Two - hours - per - pack
Since - I - cut - back

My roommates all stink, my cats have all choked
From all these things that I've smoked

All these things that I've smoked

If you can roll one
If you can, roll one

[Violent coughing]

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