PERFORMED BY ROBERT LUND
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I can't make my penis any longerrr
Despite a zillion email guarantees
There's not a big shortcoming with my dongerrr
The actual problem is my gut's grown past my knees

I tell myself I should cut out carbohydrates
But that would mean less pretzels with my beerrr
And though it sucks to horrify my blind dates
I've got more spots to hide gerbils
Than a guy like Richard Gerrre

My diet should be stricterrr
But that's a useless fight
When the scale I use is Richterrr
And my butt's a launching site
And I'd disappear if they sucked off my cellulite

And I can't find my penis anymorrre
I've forgotten where it used to be beforrre
I'm scared it's been sent off to fight the warrr
Or trashed by Michael Moorrre
Foreverrr

'Cause I can't find my penis anymorrre
I've forgotten what that part was ever forrr
So maybe it was mugged in Baltimorrre
Or snuffed like Dumbledorrre
Baby, I can't find my penis anymorrre

[Guitarrr solo]

I once auditioned to go on The Biggest Loserrr
But I ate the cast with Krispy Kremes for lunch
And my shrink believes I'm a cereal abuserrr
My gateway drug was Froot Loops
Now I mainline Captain Crunch

I've grossed out my reflection
He wishes he was blind
When I gaze at my midsection
Why do sperm whales spring to mind?
And I'm getting larger than Shrek and your mom combined

And I can't find my penis anymorrre
I've forgotten what I started looking forrr
It's time to just give up the Trojan Warrr
I've lost my chance to scorrre
Foreverrr

'Cause I can't find my penis anymorrre
There's no Dick Van Dyke for Mary Tyler Moorrre
I'd like to drag my ass up off the floorrr
But standing up's a chorrre
And I just can't find my penis anymorrre

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