APOSTATEASE: To skip meetings to attend gentlemen's clubs.

ASSAULT PALACE: Where they have the gun show.

BABYLONDE: Pamela Anderson, Marie Osmond's sometime pal.

BEAVER TRAP: Central Utah Highway Patrol.

BONNEVILLAIN: Participant in any number of local financial scandals.

BRIBLE BELT: Utah, in Olympic parlance.

B.Y.EUNUCH: Professor who can't propagate challenging insights for fear of being cut off by the university. (Cf. WRITERS GELD.)

CHOWDER DARKNESS: Soup that's burnt to hell.

DEJA NAUVOO: Sensation that you've seen this temple before.

DEQUORUM: What deacons don't exhibit at scout camp.

DESERETCH: React to an unusual Jell-o mold.

DOCTORIN' COVENANTS: Putting a positive spin on that first temple trip.

DOUBLE ARNOLD FREEBURGER: It's very beefy.

ELDER SKELTER: That unbalanced missionary who inevitably becomes your companion.

G.A. JOE: Elder Wirthlin, to his buddies.

GARMENTIA: "Forgetting" to put them back on after the ball game.

GENERAL CONFLUENCE: Semiannual crush of traffic and pedestrians in downtown SLC.

HAULACROST: The Mormon Exodus. (From "Think of all the stuff the pioneers had to haul acrost the plains.")

HYMNOSIS: Mental state following the singing of "If You Could Hie to Kolob."

INTERNECK: To display inappropriate intimacy in an LDS Singles chat room.

JANICE KAPPILLARY: Blood vessel in forehead that may burst when subjected to Mormon musicals.

JAZZORCISM: The casting out of all hopes for an NBA title.

JOHN COUGAR: BYU student busted for solicitation.

JOHNNILINGUS: Eight-cow something-or-other.

KOLOBOSCOPY: Clinical probe of the depths of your soul.

LAVEIL: What BYU coaches must pass through.

MALONANISM: Gratification derived from watching "The Mailman" deliver.

MATRICUMONY: Enrollment at BYU in order to get married.

MORMONA LISA: Portrait of famous female Church leader. (Yet to be painted.)

MORONIHAHA: Book of Mormon humor.

OLYMPACT: Effect of the 2002 Games on Utah commuters.

OLYMPYMP: Provider of "humanitarian aid" for visiting IOC members.

OPENING SOCIALISM: The practice of having everyone pitch in on the food.

ORRINTHOLOGY: Study of those weird birds in Congress.

PARTICLES OF FAITH: Those scriptures still committed to memory after age 25.

PATRIARCHIE: Household power structure reminiscent of "All in the Family."

PATRIOTICAL BLESSING: Revelatory prayer referencing life here in the Promised Land.

PIONEER DAZE: Heat stroke at a parade.

PIONEERSIGHTEDNESS: Mistaking the Great Salt Lake for the Pacific Ocean.

POLYGAMETE: Pre-existent child of Wife Number Three.

POLYGLUT: Abundance of plural marriages in Utah despite a 100-year ban.

PREMATURE EVACUATION: Slipping out of the meeting before the closing hymn and/or prayer.

PRINCESS D.I.: Sister who dresses in "thrift-store chic."

PROPHETEERING: Using Church leaders' preparedness admonitions to drum up food-storage sales.

PROXYSM: Performance of convulsions for the dead.

QUADROPHOBIA: Anxiety about having to lug around all four Standard Works.

R.S.V.P.: The scheduling of a baby shower (or the like) on game day. (Abbrev: Relief Society Versus Priesthood.)

RELEASE SOCIETY: Group of sign-waving loved ones waiting for a missionary to step off the plane.

REMERSION: Multiple baptism attempts due to a pesky toe or knee.

SAVING ORDNANCE: Two-year supply of ammo.

SCRIPTURE CHASTE: Never having read the Song of Solomon.

SEAGULP: Rapid consumption of a cricket.

SINGLES WARDEN: BYU bishop.

SLACKRAMENT: What a deacon takes to the unmotivated folks in the foyer.

SLAM DUNK: Baptism that takes longer than the prior conversion process.

SUBMITT: Be charmed by Governor Romney.

SUNBEEMER: Luxury minivan.

TESTOSTEREVELATION: His "spiritual confirmation" that she's his eternal mate, despite her lack of interest. (Also TESTOSTIMONY.)

THAT SEVENTIES SHOW: Priesthood Session of General Conference.

TRANSGREST STOP: Border town (e.g., Evanston, Wendover) that exists primarily to give Utahns access to vice.

TRANSISTER: Didn't she used to pass the sacrament in your childhood ward?

UINTAGRATION: Letting Beehives use the scout camp.

U.S.U.V.: Vehicle that can make it up the canyon to Logan.

VICTORIA'S SACRED: Beehive Clothing.

Y2C: The Year of the Second Coming. (Was widely rumored to be A.D. 2000 until, well, 2001.)

An expurgated version was first published in the June 1999 issue of Sunstone.   © Spaff.com 1999+