THE WRECK OF BEN AFFLECK AND J. LO
Parody of Gordon Lightfoot's "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"
Lyrics by M. Spaff Sumsion
PERFORMED BY ROBERT LUND
Sample/Download from the Mad Music Archive
Request it on the Dr. Demento Show!
The legend lives on from Ulysses on down
Of the queen who launched ships with her beauty
Fair Helen has gone; modern Trojans now long
For Ms. Jennifer Lopez's booty
'Cause baby got bling, acts and dances and sings
She's a street-fashion overachievah
She claims to our shock she's still Jen from the block
But any putz knows she's a diva
Along come two pals from obscurity's bowels
(Near Boston.) They’re young and they're Catholic
One's cute and tough, one can act and write stuff
And the other one's name is Ben Affleck
Well, B & J meet when they buy the same street
And Ben says, "Me leave Matt. You pretty."
So Jen says, "Smart choice, but I'm true to my boys
Like ol' Whatsisname Judd and P. Diddy."
But B-Aff, it seems, ghetto-punks Cris Judd's dreams
By stealing the girl of his fancy
Her name was Magill and she called herself Lil
But everyone knew her as Nancy
(Oops - Accidentally detoured into the wrong song. Where were we?)
Their agents smell gold and the twosome gets sold
As "news" for the tabloids to feed on
They say, "It's great press if you've met on the set
So let's find you a set you can meet on
"The film we suggest is directed by Brest
(I swear there is no pun intended)
He's nearly bounced back from the failed Meet Joe Black
And with Gigli his cred will be mended."
The couple signs on but things start to go wrong
When they bitch, The Brest says, "Beg your pardon -
Your fans blow their bucks even when the film sucks
(Which describes every movie you’ve starred in)."
Production's complete though the buzz can't compete
With Extra's First Couple in action
It's finally released - yes they unleash the beast
And then brace for the public's reaction...
Does anyone know where the love of God goes
When a film turns the minutes to hours?
The critics agreed they'd prefer just to bleed
Or to get two thumbs WAY up their bowels
Meanwhile, Ben's proposed, but they're overexposed
Say their agents, "It's best if you lay low."
When they forge right ahead, there's no wedding, instead
Comes the wreck of Ben Affleck and J. Lo
Some blame the mess on the strip clubs or press
Or the betting or booze or Ben's mother
But most are so sick of the pair that they stick
To the hope the pair's poisoned each other
Oh somewhere below Lake Ontario
Are the cities and homes where they grew up
And Matt Damon's still where Ben hunts for goodwill
(But admits he left Gigli and threw up)
So Bennifer's gone but they each will move on
To a new-improved trophy fiance
But Ben won't rank near People's Man of the Year
And for babes, the press flocks to Beyonce
Oh the legend lives on from the Trojans on down
Of the queen with the bod and the halo
And they'd all shed a tear (and yell PLEASE END THIS HERE)
For the wreck
Of Ben Affleck
And J. Lo
© Spaff.com 2003+
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